Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We have so much sex to catch up on
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
