There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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