I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
