NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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