I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
