Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
