We named our party play list daddy issues
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
