I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
