I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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