At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize