he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
