HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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