I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
