he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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