Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
