Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
