you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
