you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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