I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
