To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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