Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
