I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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