i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
