i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
