Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
