I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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