she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
