Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
