Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
