His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize