So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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