I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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