i think my tv is drunk
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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