Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
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I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
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There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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