So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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