she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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