I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize