Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Alive.
So much puke
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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