Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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