i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
