Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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