I'm so fucking centered right now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Send help, water and tortillas.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
