You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
