Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
