hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I want her autograph on my taint
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Randomize
