Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
