I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
