i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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