And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
