These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
