I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
